I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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