I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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