if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
