remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
