it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize