Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
