My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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