yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
