Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize