you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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