i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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