Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
