I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
