Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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