Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
