I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
