I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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