Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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