literally had 100 drinks last night.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
