porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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