Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
