I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think I died a long time ago.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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