Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
