ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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