I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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