I just saw a hot homeless man
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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