i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
