God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
