So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize