I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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