We're like a lot better than the average bears
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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