all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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