Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
