Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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