My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
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