So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize