We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
