If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
