I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Dicks are not precious.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
