can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
