after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
