actually, I'm a sock model
My hand turned me down
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He shit in the fireplace
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