please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I touched a dick in church today
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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