Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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