I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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