walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
