i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
