dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
