I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
