I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
