I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize