I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
