sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
