Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
