When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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