id be glad to
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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