I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
